Getting Back to Me

I have a phrase that runs through my head a lot, usually when I'm thinking about how much I need to lose weight. The phrase is, "I need to get back to me." In my mind "me" is the skinny, healthy 124 pound woman I was 7 years ago, the time when I considered myself to be in the best shape of my life. I ran a lot, and participated in a parallel bar workout three times a week at the gymnastics gym down the road. (An excellent core workout and I wish there was still a place I could do it.)

As I look back on that time I was proud of myself I was in control (of a few things) and I felt good. But there were things missing in that "me." I hadn't started writing for real yet, so I wasn't even close to realizing that dream, I wasn't Primary President, (head of the children's organization in my congregation), I didn't have many of the friends I have now, and most importantly, I didn't have the experience I have now.

In a heartbeat, I would take back the body I had then, but there isn't a chance that I'd trade that for all the experiences I've had in the last seven years.

Today I thought about "getting back to me" as I was doing my run. (On week seven of a twenty-six week marathon training schedule because I AM going to do this). What I realized was, I don't want to get back to the me I was seven years ago, I want to make the me I am now better. I want to be in shape, and in control, and have my writing and my Primary kids, and all the experiences I've had for the last seven years--even the bad ones.

Instead of trying to compete with the person I was back then, I'm moving forward and learning what I need to do to be the best me now.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words--Walking and Rocking 2

I woke up with a terrible thought this morning...I forgot to blog yesterday. I thought about it, I thought about it a lot, but in between a run and housework and writing and laundry I got to tired. I forgot about it and went to bed. So...is the thirty days blog experiment over?

Nah.

I'll forgive myself and move on.

But, instead of just writing today, I'm going to post pictures from the "I'll Walk With You, I'll Rock With You" event that I wrote about on Thursday.

I'll say this much, it was an incredible event. The family reached their goal and beyond. We had a great time, and it was absolutely amazing to watch so many people come together to help one person and one family. I especially want to thank my author friends who donated books for two YA book baskets. None of them knew Bryden or the family, but they willingly donated books and swag when I told them about the benefit.

During the run yesterday, another stranger saw all of us in our T-shirts and stopped to ask what it was all about. When she heard about Bryden, she pulled fifty dollars out of her pocket and donated it to the cause.

People amaze me some times.

Here are some pictures so you can share the joy from two great events for one great person.

Time to Prepare

I've always been a writer, but there was a long time when I didn't actual write anything.

How does that work? Well, during the time when my kids were little, I didn't have...correction, didn't make the time to sit at a computer and force words onto paper (or at least onto the screen). What I did instead was write stories in my head, usually to entertain myself while I ran or when I had a long drive

Maybe it wasn't the most productive writing I've ever done, but in retrospect it helped me a lot when I finally had took the time to make the words shareable with other people by putting them down in a form they could read.

My daydreaming time gave me the chance to visualize what would happen in a scene. I even composed dialogue in my head. When I finally reached the season in my life when I felt I could confine myself to a computer, I was ready. I had plots and scenes and voices in my head. Writing them down wasn't easy, but the stories were there, waiting to come out.

Do I wish I had started putting the words on paper sooner? Absolutely. Do I feel like the time I spent as a non-writing, writer were wasted? Absolutely not.

My point is, if you don't have time to put the words on paper, use whatever time you have to do whatever gets you closer to actually writing. Be observant. Listen to conversations and watch people (note, I didn't say eavesdrop or stalk). Think about how you would describe a person or what kind of stories they might have to tell. Do the same for places and situations. Daydream. Talk to yourself (probably best to keep this one in your head or in the privacy of your home.)

All of these things are important. All of these things will prepare you for whatever time you will have to write in the future. Use and enjoy this time. Just don't let it last forever.

At some point your stories need to make it to a medium the rest of the world can enjoy.

I'll Walk With You, I'll Rock With You, A Special Benefit for a Special Guy

Bryden at Mormon Prom

Have you ever met a person who can make everything brighter just by walking in the room? Have you ever met a family that gives and gives and gives, literally wearing themselves out in service to anyone who needs anything? If you live anywhere near me in Lacey, Washington, or perhaps even Cache Valley Utah, you may have met such a person, and you may know such a family. (I know I do.)

Bryden Belnap, aptly nicknamed "Brydie" or "Brighty" is such a person, and he comes from such a family. Bryden always has a smile, a handshake, or a hug for me whenever I see him. He radiates joy and love and fun. He loves to be around the teenagers in our church congregation and at dances and sporting events. He even took up the honorary position of "assistant coach" this year to one of the high school wrestlers. He brings a wonderful mix of friendly competition, love, and encouragement with him everywhere he goes. He's just a great person to have around.

His family is always doing something for somebody else. His older sister brought me dinner, completely out of the blue, when I was on a crazy deadline. His mom has mentored and mothered several women and kids who aren't lucky enough to have a mother or grandmother like her. His dad is always willing to jump in and help when there's a need. They are just GOOD people.

And now they need a little help.

Several years ago, Bryden's health forced the family to leave their beloved Cache Valley, Utah. Here in Washington, at a lower altitude, Bryden could be free of the oxygen he had to have. Utah's loss was Washington's gain. We have been so blessed to have them with us.

Lately, however, Bryden's health has declined and he needs oxygen again, and more frequently. This means he's stuck at home more often. An oxygen generator would make it so he can get out and do the things he loves; spending time with his friends and family, going to church, attending dances and sporting events. And then we'd all get to see more of him and be part of the light that surrounds him.

So really this is a selfish request.

There's a benefit tomorrow (Friday, April 26th) at 7:00 at the South Bay Grange in Lacey, Washington. There will be a silent auction and lots of fun entertainment and food. The silent auction has all sorts of cool stuff. I'm putting together a great basket of young adult books with donations from Marissa Meyer, Kiki Hamilton, Gina Rosati, Katherine Longshore, and AC Gaughen. On Saturday morning there will be a walk in Lacey and people from around the world are invited to participate and send in donations for Bryden and his wonderful parents.

I would love to see you there! The information is below:

Celebrating My Book-Iversary (And we have a winner!)

A year ago today, I realized a dream when my debut novel, BREAKING BEAUTIFUL launched. I celebrated with a fabulous launch party. I had cake and my friends and family were there and it was perfect.

In the year since the book released, I can honestly say my life has changed in ways I never thought it would. I've met a lot of wonderful writers and readers, both kids and adults. I've been crushed and buoyed up, dealt with rejection, bad reviews and good reviews. I've been given opportunities that I never dreamed I would have.

I've written and sold my second book, DEAD GIRLS DON'T LIE, due out September 17th. I'm still writing and I have other projects in the works that I'm insanely excited about. I've learned to love and hate and then love again the writing process. I've learned a ton and  I know I'm still in the beginning stages of this journey.


Tonight I celebrated my one year mark quietly with my family and sparkling cider. It wasn't quite the event I had last year, but that's okay. I know I have a lot to look forward to and a lot still to learn.

AND in other news...

Using my highly unscientific and yet completely random drawing method (putting the entries in a bowl and having one of my kids draw it out) I have come up with a winner for the ARC.

The winner is...WENDY JONES!

I'll contact you to get the information I need to send you the ARC of DEAD GIRLS DON'T LIE and maybe something chocolate.

Thank you everyone for entering and being interested in reading my book!

Thank you to everyone who has shared this year with me! I can't wait to see what the future brings.

Perspectives--Sometimes You Just Need to Spend a Day in Kindergarten

Today I was feeling a bit jerked around and betrayed by people I thought I could trust, so I did what any logical adult would do, I went to kindergarten. 

Not to brush up on my ABCs or coloring skills. (Although I could probably use help with both.) I went as a para-educator substitute, a job I started in February. Being a para-sub has been interesting and fun because I get to spend all day working with kids, in all sorts of environments. I usually don't know what I'm getting into or what I'll be doing when I accept a job. It's been a good supplemental income for me, and it's a good job for a writer because when I'm on deadline, I can just not accept any jobs.

But way more important than any money I've made, taking this job has been good for the way I look at life. There's nothing quite like the perspective you get when you spend the day with preschoolers, kindergarteners, with kids who have special needs, or with the people who have chosen to spend their lives helping them.

Nothing makes grumpy author, "I-can't-make-this-work, and the-publishing-industry-sucks-anyway," problems shrink like spoon-feeding a beautiful teenage girl who smiles at you the through the whole meal even though she'll never be able to feed or dress herself, much less date, go to college, or have a family of her own. There's no bad review, hellish edit letter, or rejection, that can't be softened (at least a little bit) when you get a hug from a person you just met, especially when they add, "I've missed you so much!"  

It's all about perspective.

With that in mind, here are some lessons I've learned or re-learned in the last few months being a para-sub. I think are pretty applicable to everyone:

Accept people as they are, but be willing to help them achieve more.
Keeping a sense of humor is HUGE.
Brain breaks, Fun-Fridays, and recess are important...no make that VITAL.
Be patient with yourself. Sometimes pushing too hard just makes things worse.
Be patient with other people. Everyone has their own challenges, everyone has to work at their own pace.
Give hugs, often.
Be loyal to your friends.
Sometimes helping isn't really helping. Everyone needs the chance to take pride in what they do for themselves, even if you think you can do it better or faster.

 There are certainly more, but one big one I like to keep in mind. :

There are a lot of people who have way worse problems than you do, and they're still smiling.

 

What Are You Afraid Of?

"And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door."--Human, by The Killers

Years ago a member of my critique group took me aside after our meeting was over and everyone else was gone. She asked me a hard question, "What are you afraid of? Success or failure?"

I didn't have a good answer for her then, nor do I now. But through the writing process, the mommy process and life in general, I've learned this, whatever you want to do or be, there will always be something to be afraid of, something that will hold you back if you let it. 

It could be the fear of success. Being successful opens you up to criticism from people who are still trying achieve what you've achieved or from people who just don't get what you're trying to do. Being successful means that when you fail (and at some point you will) you have farther to fall.

It could be fear of failure. Sometimes (often) despite your best efforts, everything blows up in your face and you have to start all over again, albeit with a better idea of what you're getting yourself into.

It could be fear of mediocrity. There's nothing like working for days, weeks, or even years on something only to find out that you still don't quite measure up.

Sometimes it seems easier just not to try.

And yet all over the world you see people accomplishing great things; surviving wars, accidents, crushing poverty,and horrible abuse, becoming Olympic athletes, scholars, and great leaders, even writing books and running marathons. 

Today I'm thinking about what might lie ahead for me, what the chances of success are as opposed to the probability of failure. And if do succeed, what sacrifices I'll have to make, and what criticism I'll open myself up to. 

I know nothing worth having in life is easy. That's true for the stories I want to write, it's true for the marathon I want to run, it's true for the family that I'm building, and it's true for other opportunities that I'm perusing.

The song that the lyrics above come from is one of my favorites songs to run to. My husband said once that he didn't get what the song was about. For me it's about rising above the part of you that's just human, just mediocre and finding the "dancer" inside--that part of you that can do great things. It's about letting go of the fear, whatever it is and moving forward.   

"Close your eyes, clear your heart

Cut the cord "-- Humans, by the Killers